Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts

Saturday, 19 March 2016

Living in a world gone mad

For the moment, we’ll pretend that it hasn’t been over 7 months since I last wrote.  
Join the ranks of my parents, friends and earliest sweethearts to whom I have often provided the gift of opportunities for forgiveness.   Perhaps, in a later missive, I will explain myself.

For now… let us thank Donald Trump for motivating this current phillipic. 
 (we’ll wait while you google it…)  
Actually, I’m being somewhat misleading.  1.  This blog will not be particularly “fiery”.  
2.  There is NOTHING for which to thank Donald Trump.  
Ever. 

And Ever. (Amen).  

But he has got me thinking.  
What does one do when one discovers that he/she is living in a Reality Television show?  Because that’s how I feel as I watch the surrealist theatre and listen to the rhetoric of the Presidential Primaries in the U.S.    Can I simply swear at Gordon Ramsay and turn in my apron? Refuse to shower and get voted off Big Brother?  Is there any way that I can beg the Tribe to speak or simply dance away from the stars?

It seems not. 
This show will not turn off - like “Two Broke Girls” or “Saved by the Bell” no matter how poor the writing, acting or embarrassing the situations, it’s always on!

Living in a world where public figures re-write history on a whim (Donald Trump’s business acumen; Hillary Clinton’s lionizing of Nancy Reagan and her support for people with Aids; when Bewitched brought in a new Darren) I find myself wondering what to do when the nuts are in charge.  How does one live in the midst of evil, stupidity or just plain wrong-headedness?   I respect democracy and I have bought into the idea that the majority have the right to determine their shared future – but how does one live quietly in the midst of those who have been fooled or hoodwinked; lack the capacity or information to make an informed and just decision?  
Do I just grin and go along with it?

As teenagers, sitting in school cafeterias or basement recrooms we would often profess that, had we the ability to time travel, the first that thing that we would do is go back and assassinate Hitler before his rise to power.  We knew most assuredly that the best way to deal with evil was to kill it before it could spread.  However, with commitments to life, justice, the rule of law and the priority of democracy, I have to confess that I would be unlikely to assassinate anyone.  
(I had always believed that there we only two assassination attempts on Hitler, but having recently been informed that there were as many as 47, I’m beginning to wonder if some or my teen age friends haven’t figured out how to time travel and are simply bad a assassination) 

Of course, I could just bitch, moan and post constantly on Facebook how funny, stupid, useless or disappointing everything is.  But, much like my plans to assassinate Hitler, I would like leave my teenage attitudes and practices behind me.  
(Seriously… how ‘bout we give the new Prime Minister a little more than 6 months to fix everything that needs fixing and stop blaming him for looking good in a suit?)

So, what am I supposed to do?

I’ve ruled out assassination.
I’m trying to let go of whining.
I don’t want to live angry.
I’m not moving to Iceland.

French’s Ketchup aside, I’m not convinced that yelling and screaming at the Parliament Buildings, a Trump Rally or Loblaws is really going to affect much change in me or in the world.  But I can’t do nothing, can I?

This Sunday, the Sunday before Easter, most churches will be commemorating the Palm Sunday parade of Jesus.  And thinking about it, has inspired me and will help to inform how I will live in a Trump World… and you may live in a Trudeau world…. How we can live together in a world where we may not be entirely “at home” living with idiots. 

Historically, it is likely that Jesus' little parade happened on the day of or very close to the time of larger parades.  Parades that celebrated the Roman Empire; a least one parade that would have been notable for horses, chariots, loud noises, big crowds and raucous cheers in the name of Rome.  A reason for celebration, but also a reminder to the local folks as to who was in charge, and how they would deal with unrest and disobedience.  It’s all cheers and balloons, unless you step out of line and then these same horses, chariots and soldiers could be turned on you.  

Having been born and raised in Southern Ontario, I’ve never been to parade that frightened me or carried any undertones of violence in my mind – but go to the Airshow with some Refugees some time and you may see a very different reaction to the spectacle of military jets flying overhead in formation.

In the face of this militaristic, double speak world of violence and Empire, Jesus cannot remain silent.  However, he does not go to the parade and throw tomatoes… he does not scream “Fascist” and speculate as to the size of Pilate’s penis (thank you Republican Presidential hopefuls for raising the bar so high…)  He simply lives and presents an alternative.   He puts on another parade at the other end of the city… one with a donkey (or two) and people throwing clothes and waving palms.  There are no clowns, no banners,  no horses, no chariots or soldiers; there is no military or commercial might on display whatsoever.., instead, a parade of people cheering and crying out “Hosanna”.  An alternative to Empire; an appeal to God and peace, hope and love… a simple act that doesn’t dazzle or manipulate, but provides another way.  Kind of like the first the best of Pride Parades. 

images may appear whiter than likely... or even, possible.
I think that this will be my best way forward should I find myself a minority awash in a sea of idiots… or a morally responsible person in the midst of a world gone mad.  I will live and demonstrate an alternative to corrupt privilege of those who rule. I work diligently at loving the stranger, opening my hands and heart to those in need, I will seek peace rather than victory, I will pray rather than deride, I will keep doing what it right and trust God… and I will have a parade - many parades! I will make visible my choices, so that others may be inspired to come out of the shadows and live authentically, even if it is not endorsed by the majority;  I will live and parade in loving opposition to the “common sense” choices of the masses.   And maybe, just maybe… someone will recognize that “Hosanna” actually means “save us”… and our daring to hold true to what is just and loving will eventually be enough to change "common sense" and save us all.


Or we all move to Iceland. http://www.iceland.is/

Friday, 19 December 2014

A Story for Christmas

Steve was getting ready for the Family Christmas... like always.
All of the cousins would be there: aunts, uncles; brother and sisters... Mother and Father, Grandmother and Grandfather...  husbands and wives of cousins, brother and sisters... a former sister in law who was divorced from his brother, but was still part of the family on Holiday Occasions (that wasn't awkward… except maybe for the new wife, the year that both John’s ex-wife and new wife made rum balls and everybody had to pretend the that new wife’s weren't better)

Oh, and naturally there would be 2 parrots, 4 parakeets, three cats, two dogs, little Tina’s Guinea pig (she takes it everywhere) and who knows? Maybe three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree!
If he had his choice he would be one of the Lord’s of Leapin'... leapin' out of there!

It wasn't that he didn't love his family or enjoy Christmas... he did love his family: his sisters, his really successful and popular brother; his brother’s ex-wife and wife; his brothers in law – his mother and father... nearly ALL of the cousins (especially little Tina with the Guinea pig)  But it was a long drive to Ottawa, the weather was always a problem this time of year, the highway around Kingston was murder... and.. and..
Well, he wasn't.. he didn't...  well, measure up well.

He didn't have a good job.

He didn't have kids... he didn’t even have a partner.

He didn't know how to act. 

The gathering used to be at his Grandparents place, they had this big old house in Ottawa.  And everybody would dress up....  but Steve didn't have a whole suit and had only one tie... brown shoes.  Brother John, he wore a tux... and danced with the aunts...  They would gather in the Living Room around the grand piano and sing carols... and if you didn't want to sing you were expected to go to the kitchen or somewhere else to converse.  Steve knew the first verse to most carols; John was able to sing O Come All Ye Faithful in Latin:  Adeste Fideles (all the verses).  Most years, Steve was asked to leave because he clearly was more interested in talking than singing.  A song sheet might have helped!!!  And what’s so wrong about wanting to sing Frosty the Snowman?

Eventually the gathering moved to Steve’s parents place.  Brother John, who lived in town and worked for the government, did a lot to help getting everything ready; Steve’s sisters had made special food... Steve was coming from far away, so there wasn't much he could do. He offered to help pay the caterer but Mom and Dad just laughed... nicely... (but it was still laughter).  That year, Steve took his meager savings and invested it wisely: He rented a tux.  And he got one of the girls at work to teach him to dance (a little).  This year: New locale and a new Steve – he’d be suave like his brother and he’d make his old Aunts swoon when he invited them out onto the dance floor.  He showed up ready for a great evening...   he could smell the mulling spices wafting down to the street as he walked from his car to the house... careful not to slip and spoil his beautiful tuxedo... he imagined the surprised look on everybody’s faces as he entered the house.. “Steve!” as they took in the tux (and the haircut)
“Yes, Steve... Steve, Bond”

If only someone had told him that the change in venue also meant that everybody was invited to come in jeans, casual clothes and Christmas Sweaters... so that those less resourceful wouldn't feel peculiar....


But now, THIS year... this year would be different.

Steve could never measure up gift wise. His sisters would buy him clothes with labels that Steve couldn't read (which is how they often ended up in the wash with his jeans... never to be worn again).  Last year, his brother bought him a Flat Screen TV, apologizing that it was only 42 inches (15 inches bigger than his old one).  Steve got his sisters bath salts and a Simon and Garfunkel DVD for his brother.  The Concert in Central Park may have been 30 years ago, but it was still good.  And affordable.
Everybody loved their gifts... but Steve knew that they didn't compare... he was tired of being a Shepherd when everybody else was a Magi.

This year... Steve got a bonus at work: $3,000.
Maybe not a lot to his brother... but a lot to him.

He thought about saving it...

He thought about paying off his student loans a little faster...

He thought about taking a little vacation...

He considered buying 1000 Lotto 649 Tickets...

But then he decided to buy presents for his family.
Presents like they bought him every year...

He went to the Shops at Don Mills and spent $300 on designer Vinegar for his sister, the wanna-be chef...

He bought a coat for his fashonista sister... at some Archaeology place that he’d never heard of... so it must be good.

He bought for his Mom and Dad... not sure what to get them, because up to now the only way he knew how to shop was to look for something in his price range, not something that might knock their socks off...  he wondered “WWJD”:  What would John do?... and as if channeling his brother, he bought his parents, his and her silk Pajamas and Velvet Robes.

And for John... his inspiration and his hero (his downfall and his nemesis)... his brother... an $800 bottle of wine! (you knew that John would be wine connoisseur).

Steve also managed to buy a few things for the cousins – a first for him – and spent a whole evening wrapping everything up perfectly.  Pink bows for the girls, Blue knots for the boys... and bubble wrap for the bottle..

The next morning he packed everything carefully and lovingly into his 2001 Corolla and started the drive to Ottawa... the smell of a Tim Horton’s Dark Chocolate filling the car... the sound of Christmas Carols filling his ears...and what surely must be “joy” filling his heart.

He would get to his parents about dinner time on Christmas Eve... time for a meal and then a Christmas Eve service with Mom and Dad... and the party on Christmas Day.

The party when he would finally fit in... he had the right clothes and nobody would look outside to see his car.  He knew the words to all the Christmas Carols (he had been practicing).  He would not be asking his aunts to dance, but he had gifts for them... gifts for the whole family... finally they would know how much he loved them... he would measure up... he would really be part of Christmas...

Driving along the 401, Steve saw a big pet shop in one of the malls... and was inspired.  He’d do something extra special that no one had ever thought to do before... he’d get something for little Tina’s Guinea pig... that’s love!  Remembering somebody’s pet... Brilliant.

He got off the highway, parked the car and all but skipped into PetSmart... checking the aisles until he found a tiny set of reindeer antlers, sized for a Guinea Pig.
Nothing says Christmas like a pet in plush antlers.
$11.95 and he was on his way...
Singing as he went out to his car...
Over by the lamp post..
Other lamp post.. 
Near the front of the store?  That can’t be right...
At the end of the row??

Steve looked for his car...  the one with an empty Tim Horton’s cup in the cup holder... the one with the Christmas Carols playing on the radio...  the one with $3,268 in gifts for everybody... the one with his salvation packed neatly in the trunk and back seat.

It was gone.

The police were too busy to come to the scene.
Mall security drove him to the Police Station.
Paper work was filled out...
Sad pathetic looks were exchanged... Sad tidings were in store...
There was no comfort... No joy... 

Steve caught a bus into Ottawa.
Got in around 2 in the morning.
Slipped into his parents’ house and dissolved into the guest room.
In the morning, he couldn't bear to face his parents... or watch the hordes descend upon the house for Christmas breakfast... Christmas lunch.... finally, Christmas Party and dinner...  so he slipped out and went to church (it was affordable).

God hated him.
He’s blown it.
He would never understand Christmas
He would never be able to express his love in a way that his family would understand.
He would never fit in...  he should have taken the bus back to Toronto instead of Ottawa.

Then he heard the Christmas Story...  the one that we hear every year about a pregnant unmarried teenage girl, some confused shepherds, unbelievable angels and foreign visitors called Magi...  he heard about people who didn't fit in... he heard about a journey that was dark and bumpy.... he heard about things going wrong... he heard about gifts...  he heard about God revealed in a small, vulnerable child....

He spent most of the day at church... not because he didn't want to go home, but because he wanted to hear the story again (he seemed unaware that there is a take home version of the story as well)...  but he did make it to the party.

And at the party, Steve didn't take his cue from the Magi... and he didn't take his cure from the Shepherds.... he knew that he didn't have the wardrobe to be an angel...  he, instead took his cue from the child, the baby... Jesus.   

Steve dared to be naked and vulnerable....   He told everybody his story...  he laughed and cried as he told it... so did they....   and then, he went around and embraced his family... each one, even Tina once she put down her Guinea Pig with the Reindeer Antlers (the one gift that was not lost) ... one at a time and he would whisper to each member of his family what made each of them so special to him... and then he told them, “I love you”

He would probably have years when he was a Shepherd at Christmas again... he might even get to be a Magi one of these years – but nothing would ever compare to the Christmas that Steve dared to take the story seriously and become Christ-like himself... naked and vulnerable.  For the first time – Steve finally “got” Christmas


Whoever you may be this Christmas – I wish you Christ-Child moments… and a very fulfilling, eye-opening,  heart-warming season.
Merry Christmas



Wednesday, 7 August 2013

How Girls' Softball just might make the world a better place!

So I went to see my nine year old niece play softball.

It was the perfect day for softball: Bright sun, cool breeze and I had a great time.   I don’t recall the exact score (although I do know that the 5 run mercy rule was invoked at least once) and I’m not sure who was named player of the game (isn’t always the pitcher?) – but I do know that what I witnessed should be required viewing for all people… everywhere…

Seriously, if we could all just live our lives a little more like these girls played softball, it would be a better world.  Allow me to suggest 6 fixes for our everyday life that have come right out of my experience of Mite Girls’ Softball.

1. There should be cheering for everything.   
      That was something that I never experienced in my years umpiring or coaching my sons in ball – cheers from the bench.  Cheers about Sally this and Sally that… R B oi, oi, oi…  another about ripped underwear…  so many cheers – and many with choreography.  I thought I was in an episode of GLEE.  When a player went up to bat, there was cheer; when she got a hit: A cheer!  When she struck out, threw her bat, got hit by a ball… caught a ball, lost a ball in the sun, took a drink from a water bottle:  Cheer, Cheer, Cheer, Cheer, Cheer, Cheer and spit.    It was awesome.   Wouldn’t it be great if people cheered when you got to work, when you submitted report, went for coffee, brought back the wrong coffee for a co-worker, forgot your PIN number, bought new shoes or got a smile out of the new girl at work?   Somehow, I just think that life would be better.  And, even though less would get done in a work day, we’d all feel better about what we did accomplish… or messed up, as the case may be.

      2. We should swing at everything.  
      Whenever that ball comes anywhere near you, take that bat off your shoulder and give her a go!  Why not?  Swing confidently across the plate; drop the bat low and scoop at the ball like you’re chipping out of sand trap, wave it around like you’re after a piƱata… just give it a shot.  If you don’t take a swing, you’ll never hit the ball!   I saw one girl foul off 10 pitches in a row – almost none of them strikes, but she wasn’t going to let anyone tell her where her strike zone was!!   I, too, am tired of being told where the strike zone is and when I can and when I can’t swing.  If I want to try out for synchronized swimming, I’m going to try… if I want to wear a feather in my hat, who’s to stop me?  I bet that I’ll great in a sarong!  It’s time for the lot of us to stop playing it safe and start swinging for the fences, because nothing is going to happen if we just stand and watch the balls go by.

      3. Never bunt.  
      Seriously, it’s undignified to put your bat in the way of the ball… swing or let it by.  Enough of the passive aggressive way of living.  “I think I’ll wait until she says she loves me… “ Hell, NO!  Ask her out, propose… do something!  No more bunting.   “I don’t like what’s going on at city hall… I think I’ll bunt and wait for the next election to make a difference…”   NO! Write a letter, place a call, make a visit, paint a sign…  no more bunting, life is too short and too important to play “small ball”.

      4. When you see someone mess up, just call out “Way to mix ‘em up!”.  
      I admired that at the game.  The pitcher would throw a couple of very nice strikes and then the next pitch would shoot off in some direction never imagine by Pythagoras at an altitude never dreamed of by Sir Edmund Hillary… and the coach or a parent would always cry you “Way to mix ‘em up!!”.   The next time that I fail to come to a complete stop at a stop sign and the police pull me over, I’m really hoping that the Officer will tap on my window and say, “Hey, way to mix ‘em up!”.  The next sermon that tanks, instead of an “Amen”, I’m looking forward to a full on congregational “Way to mix ‘em up, Norm!”   Wouldn't that make your day??

      5. There would be no stealing in the world, if there was more gift giving.  
      I noticed that every time one of the girls got on base – with a hit, a walk or simply by accidently walking to the wrong dugout – they nearly always made it home; often without another hit.  As soon as the ball was in play, they would run to second… third…and home.  Now, you might call it stealing, but I would disagree.  It really was more of a gift… nobody really made too much of an effort to throw anybody out, usually the play was to get the ball back to the pitcher so that the runner would have to stop advancing.  So, as you see, it wasn’t really stealing…  it was receiving a gift.  I’m pretty sure that’s what our Federal Government was trying to do with Mike Duffy: fighting crime by the giving of gifts.  If only we’d been able to see it…. If only Mike Duffy had been an actual 9 year old girl… but I digress.  Give people stuff and they won’t have to steal – seems foolproof to me.

  6.  And finally, everybody should get to wear those cool athletic shorts that stick out underneath your playing shorts
                ‘cause let’s face it: They just look so cool.

So, now you have my six fixes for a better world.

I feel that I’ve done my part.  It’s now up to you.


Good luck…  and “Hey, way to mix ‘em up!!!”